Saturday, November 22, 2008

Pay through Spiderpal !

Below is the complete email conversation that Adelaide man David Thorne claims he had with a utility company chasing payment of an overdue bill.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?


Friday, September 19, 2008

Short Open Letters

Dear Salman Khan

Dude get married already, you don't have to be the "first one" for every actress I find beautiful. It's not fair on me.

Dear Grinch

Stop being mean and weird. I can go on and on on how weird you have become since moving so please just get your act together.

Dear Article Boy

Stop bitching behind my back, that's what girls do. I know I steal your thunder in front of the girls but you have to learn how to deal with it. Mkay!

Dear Partner in crime at the parties

Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable, let's prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.

Dear TV News Channels

How much does it cost to get some news from you huh !

Dear John McCain

Please sign more deals with India, I will vote for you :P

Dear Extraterrestrials

If you don't want us to see your spaceships, then turn the lights off. You guys are trying to sneak around up there and you're lit up like fucking Christmas trees.

Dear Bob Dylan

Please come back and sing for me once more.

Dear Barrack Obama

If you were not black and a guy, they would be calling you anorexic. Go eat something, hell if you and your family are busy ask Hillary she'll cook something up for you.

Dear (not) Guest Post Writer

You are such sweet person otherwise.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

There is something about Summer !

There is something about Summer Roberts unlike Marry she is my persona of an ideal girlfriend. It all began circa 2006, when I was non- dating A [1]. I and friends had just gotten over the anime craze that had gripped the campus in late 2005 and early 2006 and were hitherto exploring the uncharted territory of drama series and sitcoms (We would exclude FRIENDS from this genre as every Ankit, Gaurav and Nitin has watched it). The first series that we got our hands on was “The OC”. Season one starred the goofy, sarcastic and oh so familiar antics of Seth Cohen [2]. As most of the gang had had unsuccessful junior School crushes we immediately identified with Seth’s situation with Summer, what we had not expected was how her character will shape up during the course of the series and how my perception of her will change from “that girl” in junior high that I never talked to the one where she is now my ideal girlfriend.

Summer is portrayed as a stereotypical spoiled somewhat snobby rich girl with her trademark “ewww” setting the ball rolling, but as the series progressed her character grew and by the end of season three she became the ideal girlfriend. Now since I am typing this out in Word, I would take benefit of the "bullet point technology" and type out some of the reasons why Summer Roberts is the one:

- When does a guy like a girl, well when she is willing to chase him and yet you have to chase her for you two to be together, I know this doesn’t make sense but Summer pulls this one with remarkable ease in season one when she affected by Seth’s hanging out with Ann and her having a fling with Danny

- When a girl is intelligent yet not always reciting quotes from Shakespeare or going on on about a bard from Elizabeth’s court who wrote a three hundred page poem for her majesty but was still sent to the gallows. Summer is just that with a 1600 in SATs and a drawer full of latest Vogues. Her dressing sense is an added plus; I mean if you know me you would know I am a sucker for preppy.

- When a girl is there and I mean really there for friends both hers and yours. Summer’s equation with Merissa and her Ryan exemplifies this.

- The girl who’s got the spunk and the substance, I mean who doesn’t love a girlfriend who does environmental work and takes care of random bunnies and yet is blonde enough to not know the sex of her pet.

The bullet lists do not matter for me either you are Summer or you might as well be a Martian sandstorm for all I care.

At the end I would like to request the reader who fancies herself as Summer to kindly get in touch with my good friend “Summer Hunter” [3], she will be the final judge of whether you are the real thing or not.

[1] The probable reason while Summer is ideal because she was all A could never be

[2] We all fancied ourselves as Seth, but you know who the real Seth is right, the one who sends out this gibberish into Blogosphere

[3] Yes that’s how we roll Summer Hunter and Seth Cohen :)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

So True !

Friday, May 16, 2008

Cellphone Etiquettes for Dummies

We’ve all heard about them from the time we were very young- manners, manners, manners. Mothers all over the globe do what they can to instill some kind of proper etiquette in their children and many succeed. However when many people use a cellphone, etiquette seems to disappear. So here's a quick fire list which will transform your image from an ape using a Motorola Dynatac to a suave sophisticated person with a fancy i phone

1. Answer the phone: May seem basic but hardly followed, these days people just refuse to pickup their phones. Given that you may be a lil busy at times and not able to attend calls so you must call back in these cases.

2. Let the other person speak: Again pretty straight forward, but some people seem to be infected with verbal diarrhea and just cant stop yapping. This particular habit makes me want to simply hang up on them*.

3. Don't hang up abruptly: Always be polite when you hang up, enough said.

4. Don't give miss calls to people and want them to call you: That's just cheap.(This also includes SMSing people for calling you)

5. Call other people: We know that you are broke 28 days out of 30 but still everyone appreciates if the other person also bothers to call sometimes.

6. Call people when you have already given them a time for calling: This variety is the most obnoxious according to me, either you call when you say you are going to or don't bother saying that you will call. I have hundred other things to worry about then your call.

So folks that's it according to me, you guys are most welcome to add to the list. Many people have had the experience of being nexted coz they didn't follow these etiquettes, for others I have made peace with the fact that they have a pint sized brain and would never be able to comprehend the above rules, it's enough that they have a cellphone, using it properly.... may be in the next lifetime :P.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

I never did say "Hi"

Over the course of your lifetime you meet a whole lotta people, some of them stick with you through thick and thin and while with others you just walk a few blocks on the street called Life and then they take a different turn and you never get to see them again, there is another category of people who you have never quite walked with but they keep bumping into you on every other turn and you just wonder why haven't you said a "Hi" to this person all this while.

Once upon a time there was a girl I knew, who shared my school bus stop with me. Brown hair, brown eyes. I never quite said "Hi" to her, I wish I had but we never got to that level where I could just pop around on the bus stop and say "Hi".(Yea I know I was pretty bad). Anyho time rolled along and I decided that I had a crush on her and this made the aforementioned "Hi" even more difficult to say( I know I was one of those tragedy kings meets Dram Queen kinda person, still am a lil bit).

She was my " keeping bumping into at most inane of places". I would see her in a restaurant half way across the city. I mean what are the odds of someone choosing the same restaurant out hundreds of restaurants on the same day that you decided to go there. Then I met her at a party which I decided to attend at the last minute and viola there she is enjoying the '"Golgappas" that you too like, keep in mind I was just tagging along with someone who had been invited to this party and didn't want to show up all alone.

Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go. I moved away to college and never did see her again for a few years. I have since then moved back to the city and a few days back I saw her at the same Bus Stop that we once shared, life had come full circle and I realized I still haven't said "Hi" to her, this was a different time but the same me so I just moved on , may be next time we bump into each other I would give her the link to this place.

PS: If you have been reading the blog regularly I might have referred to her as Bus Stop Girl or the elusive one before.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Am I a Dylan

Sometimes you think and you wonder
That as times are a changing
You too are a changing
From walking down a lonely road
You are now on a highway chocked
Just yesterday there was a cricket match on the street
and the hostel din surrounded everything
But come today and you wander
in the corridors of power and a mall
You too are a changing!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Aplhabets: Funny creatures

I am sure God had the same thing in mind when he created English language. I think I am gonna get hold of small kid and teach him alphabets(or not). Anyways I promise to fill you in on Shillong Nothings next time, till then hold on to that mouse of yours(I think I may have intended some pun there).

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Dating 101

Dating, going steady, seeing someone, hanging out, and going out. An exhaustive list of words/phrases to describe a brief exercise designed for young men and women to eventually add more leaves to the family tree. Today you are invited to a thoughtful, concise and entertaining (or so I hope) sermon on this modern phenomenon. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid, this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge. However if out of curiosity, admiration or pure pity the readers detect the faint beginning of a smile on their faces than your neighborhood saint would consider his work well done.

We shall start from the basics first up the victims/perpetrators.

Man: Four to two to three legs and boom dating, it’s as simple as that.

Woman: When the aforesaid man asks her out for a coffee.

Now usually the boy in question fully unprepared picks up the phone and calls his certain someone and talks about all the things like homework, career and even some random Bushisms he heard the other day and the girl acutely aware of the boy’s condition plays along and seeing his opportunity boy prepares for the final question, like a kamikaze pilot he takes one last breath and lunges forward. He asks the girl out to the local coffee shop.

At the coffee shop feeling the full weight of the moment boy tries to engage in small talk only to find that there is an alien menu staring back at him asking him to choose a coffee from. The ritual continues and usually spills over to a second date. Houston we have lift off! In some cases this cycle of dates continues till either the boy decides it is time to pop the big one “Do you wanna be my girl” [1] or the girl decides that she “just wants to be friends” [2]. And just like that the first leg of the ceremony is over leaving the newly formed couple with inflated phone bills.

The tone and tenure of the whole thing may vary from place to place, from generation to generation but remember that even Adam had to ask Eve out [3].

[1] I know a few Indian specimens you have used variations of the phrase “I love you” on these occasions with partial success.

[2] This leaves you with a lot of frivolous coffee bills and possibly a broken heart

[3] A certain apple had its role in this story but no coffee !

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Singles Awareness Day

14th February, a day which did not hold much significance in the years I spent growing up. Archie’s Gallery was a new fad. There were no CCDs and Barista outlets around. And just as I shipped out to the college Boom! There was a CCD near my place, a Barista opened its gates and suddenly the Espresso Coffee gave way to Cappuccinos. I guess what I am trying to say is that ‘events’ are scared lil cats they don’t come at you one by one they attack as a pack and leap out at you when you least expect them to.

I remember very little of when I was introduced to this whole new concept, I guess it was my sister who started it. The funny thing is when you are in 9th grade; you think you are the men among 7th grade boys and as no self respecting man would I didn’t give in to the shenanigans that the ‘kids’ were engaged in. The first 14th February just came and went by.

Come next year and it was like the ghosts of Valentine Past, present and future and everything else in between had descended upon me, there I was holding a phone in my hand trying to work up the courage to call up my would be valentine, there are few things in life as terrifying as calling up a 14 year old girl and asking her to be your valentine. The easy thing would have been to just dial her number and ask her out but then again the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason, so I moved on to the next best thing.

I calculated, I schemed, I bumped off a few friends, I bribed and there I was seating on a seat just behind her, trying to catch a glimpse of interest but the dork that she was, there was nothing more important than the Battles of Panipat in her life. Finally T- 10 seconds to the final bell I gave her the valentine card. The rest of the story is one of those ‘I haven’t told this to anyone’ things. Alright this may not have been the way it all went down, but this is how it should have, this is how I wanted it to happen. Reality is wrong, dreams are for real.

PS: You know I have been thinking for some time and my espresso has already gone cold, how many guys do you reckon would be feeling like a short pudgy child has shot an arrow through their heart tomorrow. I hope that the ER rooms are ready for the Valentine day onslaughtJ.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

To whom it may concern: It is Summer time

When I was younger I would remember everything, whether it happened or not, I much saner now and only remember what people think I would remember. I know it’s always best to look at life through the windshield rather than through the rear view mirror but then again there is a reason that rear view mirror is there. The reason for me is to look back, cock my head sideways at 45° and smile after all memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

A year ends and another comes up but before it does there is a time when all things school are put on hold. This is the time of early morning cricket matches, of evenings spent cycling, of summer flings. It’s the time when nothing seems impossible, like endeavors to build a Schwarzenegger body, the hope that you will finally somehow against all the forces of the universe meet the elusive one.

This one summer break was unlike others, I was going on a school trip. Some will say that Mumbai is where dreams come true but this one summer the official dream city had moved. It was the time of possibilities, of hope, of reckless abandonment, of wild hopes and of puppy love. Love is a horrible thing, forget the age old advise of feeling something in the pit of your stomach it’s more like being a rugby ball being kicked at, thrown around for 90 minutes except in this case it lasts a little while longer.

It was an empty bus on a mountain side, we both had stayed coz of the giddy feeling that one gets while climbing mountain roads at least that was the case with her. I think my giddy feeling came from a totally unrelated phenomenon. We both sat on our seats thinking, waiting, feeling giddy and then there we were facing each other. It was the first kiss for both of us. We never really talked about it afterwards. Once back she said goodbye to me in front of my parents who knew a lil too much about her being my first crush.

PS: I am new to this kinda writing.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wonder Years

Let us deviate from the tried and tested script for a while and talk about life. You know life, the moments that you just can’t forget and the moments that you wish never did happen and everything else in between. Just the other day you were the kid who would hop in the school bus to meet his Winnie Cooper and then you were the boy who would stand on the bus stand waiting to catch a glimpse of the elusive one across the road and now the guy sitting by a fire place and typing this post out. High school was like a spork, a crappy spoon and a crappy fork, so in the end it was just plain useless. Growing up is full of big moments. Some of them you can see coming from a mile away; and some you can't see at all.

Things never turn out the way that you thought they would, neither do you go on to become a pilot which was the first thing you wanted to be nor do you even remember what you wanted to be after the whole pilot phase fizzled out. You just wish that the best in you is still up your sleeve.

Just the other day there were only two channels that you had only two channels to choose from and today you have a dish on your roof that would bring in all but the two you want to watch. From watching the Byomokesh Bakshis a few years ago now you can’t wait to get your hands on the latest sitcom out in the US. I remember a time a place when kids use to leave the playing field for the Sunday evening movie; I remember a house like a lot of houses a locality like a lot of localities and how it felt to grow up among people and places I loved and most of all I remember how hard it was to move away for college. Sometimes I just look back and wonder.

Life is like a scrap book. Most people have just 20 pages, but what you are looking for is the one with 50 pages with some extra magenta pages thrown in. I fancy myself as a 50 page scrap book though I have got a few missing. It’s ok though coz I got some nice olive pages at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I seem to bump into a lot of 20 pages. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 50 pages type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!"”

We shall resume normal transmission from next post (or not!).

Have a lovely weekend.

Monday, January 14, 2008

An Open letter to my Dog

I know I have been MIA for quite some time but life's been a busy b***h and I have been having too much fun to come back and post here, which doesn't mean that the fun has ended now, it's just that I love you guys too much to let you stay in peace for more than 20 days or so. So without much ado I present to "An Open letter to my Dog".

Dear Dog

It's me The Blog Owner, now although you rarely read this blog and may not be able to recognize who this is, let me jog your memory. Everyday at 6:30 AM when all the world is asleep in their warm and cozy rooms and it's like freezing out there, I take you out for Potty.

Ok now wipe that self satiating smile of your face, in future try to do your stuff a lil faster so I can get in a few minutes of extra sleep. You see I have been working on a lot of BPR [1] Projects lately and thought that may you could do with a simple algorithm for pooping:

STEP 1: Wake me up, you do not need to lick my feet or my face at this step. I repeat no licking just a low barking sound will do.

STEP2: When I try to put the Red Leash on, that's exactly what I am doing, I am not playing fetch the ball or some such thing( Why would I effing want to play fetch at 6:30 in the morning !)
So behave and let me put it on.

STEP 3: At this point we go out and you take a poop. Now as my BPR acumen tells me this is the most time consuming step in the whole process and needs re-engineering ( if it was some other project we could have done with some ICT [2] initiatives but no this is you ). So I would just say take a poop already and you would obey.

STEP 4: On our way back we don't need to play " who walked by here " by smelling every vertical surface around. I repeat out Objective of Potty is over and now we shall retreat to our warm and cozy room. Do you copy Dear Dog ?

Ok now that we have gotten that issue out of the way, it brings me to another incident:

Stop hitting on Girls that I like ok! I can't believe that I am just left standing there while you become the center of attraction of a group of girls. You are supposed to be my wing (well sorta) so quit ruining my game.

And now for the reason that you shall obey whatever has been said herein you see I have opposable thumbs. This is why I get to be in charge. I can open cans, doors, and bags of treats. . I'm also the only one with a driver's license and a car. I win. Being cute is no match for opposable thumbs.

While I in no way wish to suppress your rightful dogginess, I feel that these very simple guidelines will allow us to continue to co-exist in peaceful harmony.

Much thanks,

The Blog Owner

[1] BPR : Business Process Re-engineering

[2] ICT : Information and Communication Technology